Self-awareness hack – pay attention to others more than yourself
I heard something today I never heard before about one of the gospels in the Bible (Book of Mark).
For anyone unfamiliar, it’s the story of Jesus making his way to Jerusalem (to be crucified), performing many miracles along the way. His disciples were following Him on this multi-day journey.
It screamed to me as a lesson in awareness, empathy, and leadership.
The disciples didn’t realize they were following Him to be executed.
They thought they followed Him to Jerusalem, where He would be proclaimed their King!
Imagine that for a minute.
Imagine idolizing someone, a hero of yours, or one of your parents, thinking how great they are and how much you look up to them. You respect them. You put them on a pedestal. So you promote them and tell others how great they are.
In your mind, this person is the best.
They should be in a high position and respected by all. Right? This is what the disciples thought.
Imagine following this person you admired so much into Washington, DC, to be inaugurated as the new president of the United States.
And then imagine when you arrive, the masses shout to hurt and kill them instead of praise and celebration!
Whoa…
This is what the disciples experienced.
Why were they caught so off guard? Why couldn’t they see what was happening, even after being explicitly told by Jesus?
No matter how often Jesus tried to explain that He must die, their minds couldn’t comprehend this.
I mean, can we blame them?
This isn’t how anyone would imagine their savior or king ruling. It’s so unexpected that it defies their logic.
So, naturally, what did the disciples talk about on the way to Jerusalem with Jesus? They talked about who would be the “highest,” who would be His right-hand man, His cabinet leader, His “VP.”
Remember, they thought they were walking towards the “crowning” of their new King.
Well, they were. Just not in the way they thought.
Now imagine how Jesus himself felt on this journey. The closer they got to Jerusalem, the more this responsibility, this pending torture, and death weighed on Him.
But the disciples couldn’t see His suffering. If they did, they might’ve tried consoling Him or… something.
Instead, they were chatting about who would be His “right hand.”
They were only thinking of themselves and how they might benefit themselves. How selfish, eh?
Their selfishness prevented them from seeing how someone else was feeling.
And not just anyone. This was someone they loved and dedicated their lives to.
Dang…
How often can we say that about ourselves?
I know many times in my life, even within the last 24 hours, that I failed to acknowledge someone else’s suffering – my wife’s stressful day or my friends’ burdens – because I was too concerned with myself.
While not intentionally selfish, this behavior stems from a lack of awareness. This can lead others to view you as less confident and less of a leader.
So how can we effectively be the strong leader we want – at work, business, and home despite our busy agenda and a million things going on in our heads?
It’s easy to get into delegation and planning mode when you’re that busy, but that’s not leadership. That’s management.
The seemingly obvious way is to practice becoming aware of how you act around others and adjusting. But that’s more selfish and subjective.
What would be better is an objective way of looking at yourself.
How can we do this?
Instead of paying attention to how you’re acting, pay attention to how others are acting.
It’s counterintuitive, but the answer to more confidence and better leadership is to practice becoming aware of others.
If you want to be a better leader, stop worrying about how you’re acting or reacting.
You can learn much about yourself by paying attention to how others act around you.
Pay attention to the people you’re with. Are they engaged in conversation with you or distracted? Are they shutting down? Are they pushing back and getting defensive? Do they appear concerned or sad?
Paying attention to them takes your attention off yourself. It’s not about how you’re feeling or what you’re saying. It’s about what they’re hearing and what they’re understanding.
Doing that makes you naturally curious about what’s happening with them. You become more empathetic. It shows that you care.
This curiosity leads you to ask them questions about what they think.
Instead of paying attention to yourself and figuring out why you’re feeling frustrated, angry, competitive, or whatever, you’re calm and curious. You also come across as someone who is more self-confident.
And the result is better communication, better connection and collaboration. You get sh*t done while building valuable relationships.
That’s Leadership.
You remove that “blinder” of self and begin to see the other people in the room. Pay attention to them and get curious about how they’re acting or what they might be thinking.
It doesn’t have to be the whole room, either. Start with one person. Start with the person beside you.
Ask them what they think. Ask them about what they want.
Then, Listen.
About Jeff
Hi, I’m Jeff Klopfenstein, author, engineer, coach & mentor, husband, and father. I’m building a community of confident creators and self-aware leaders. Alone, we limit ourselves. Surrounded by the right people, we think bigger and build fuller lives.